I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO