The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.