Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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Sooo many times…..
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*Inspirational Tweets*
my nickname in college
A leaf blower, but for people.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.