If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
This was the best day of my life
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
oh shit
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.