Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Like 4 of his hoodies
800 thread count sheets
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*mass chaos, crying*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*