[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.