If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
You had me at “define legal”.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.