I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Tier 3 meme
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot