meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.