Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
i wish we could shoplift online
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.