If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
A family that plays together cheats.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll