I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Venn
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex