today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks