I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
an octopus is just a wet spider
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
hey, alexa
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.