Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
no regrets
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.