Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of jellybnbonanza's best tweets

@jellybnbonanza : When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

@jellybnbonanza: I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

@jellybnbonanza: When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

@jellybnbonanza: “Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

@jellybnbonanza: So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

@jellybnbonanza: My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

@jellybnbonanza: I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

@jellybnbonanza: I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

@jellybnbonanza: Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

@jellybnbonanza: My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.