[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*