if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
You Might Also Like
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes