inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
ok this is my dumbest yet
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Finally, an explanation.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life