Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
You Might Also Like
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
hmm conte-me mais
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.