In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.