Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof