I am yelling
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
reminder
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.