I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My purse is deeper than some people.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash