Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Bootstraps
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.