him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk