If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”