Please just send me a sign. Anything.
*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?
Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*
Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.
hotels smell exactly like their nightly rate
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table
*goes to heaven
Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me
*slaps my head
ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?
[at Timmy’s funeral]
Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired
1980: busy signal (I’m busy af)
1990: call waiting (hold on I’m busy af)
2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)
Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..
M: How did you..
W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.
You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.
Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.
I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.