@jergarl: Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?
Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*
Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.
@jergarl: [first date]
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table
@jergarl: [before a nap] I’m so tired and worthless
[after a nap] I’m well rested and worthless
*goes to heaven
Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me
*slaps my head
ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?
@jergarl: [at Timmy's funeral]
Lassie's thought bubble: Frankly, I can't even believe he lasted this long I'm so tired
@jergarl: 1980: busy signal (I'm busy af)
1990: call waiting (hold on I'm busy af)
2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)
@jergarl: Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..
M: How did you..
W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.
@jergarl: *takes ambien
You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.
Me:*already getting naked* I'm sure it will be fine.