I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile