@jergarl

[praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
.
.
.

LOL nice

@jergarl

Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?

Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*

Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.

@jergarl

hotels smell exactly like their nightly rate

@jergarl

[first date]
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table

@jergarl

*dies

*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head

ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?

@jergarl

[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired

@jergarl

1980: busy signal (I’m busy af)

1990: call waiting (hold on I’m busy af)

2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)

@jergarl

Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:…

W: Idiot.

@jergarl

*takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.

@jergarl

I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.