“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Milk Cube
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*