I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Tremendous stuff