Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!