“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*