Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.