Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
You Might Also Like
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM