my first dose meeting my second
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???