[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?