Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”