why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
A choir of Spring onions
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]