Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
my dad has had enough
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.