[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Living the best life.. 😊
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My life in a nutshell
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.