What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Good morning
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”