Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
You Might Also Like
Nothing.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Incredible customer service.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.