My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.