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Page of jessokfine's best tweets

@jessokfine : My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."

@jessokfine: What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

@jessokfine: When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@jessokfine: Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

@jessokfine: Every time I talk about milk, I clarify "not breastmilk." It's unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

@jessokfine: Guys I've run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

@jessokfine: How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

@jessokfine: In today's installment of "getting absolutely wrecked by my child" I present her commentary on dinner:

"You did the best you could."

@jessokfine: I don't wear my apron because I'm never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@jessokfine: If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn't leave any cash, just a note that says I'VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH