@jessokfine: What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
@jessokfine: When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
@jessokfine: Every time I talk about milk, I clarify "not breastmilk." It's unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
@jessokfine: Guys I've run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
@jessokfine: How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
@jessokfine: In today's installment of "getting absolutely wrecked by my child" I present her commentary on dinner:
"You did the best you could."
@jessokfine: I don't wear my apron because I'm never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
@jessokfine: If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn't leave any cash, just a note that says I'VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH