@jessokfine

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

@jessokfine

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

@jessokfine

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

@jessokfine

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

@jessokfine

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@jessokfine

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.