No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
British websites use biscuits.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit