People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I mean…but I did
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*