A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
You Might Also Like
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.