Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”