Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
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I think I’ll stand
How to find Kentucky on a map
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?