netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.