Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.